There are some people who simply can't make up their minds, and they've been classified as moderates. I got to thinking about the gutless, the spineless, or as we like to call them, "the center", when we got to reading about the definitions of liberalism and conservatism in government class. Simply put, I don't think it's possible to hold firm opinions and be a moderate. Here are a few profiles of hypocritical moderates:

The War-Supporting Protester (half-assium surrenderus):

When I went to the third Gathering of Eagles in Washington D.C., I met plenty of this breed of moderate. The war-supporting protester marches around with their "US Out of Iraq Now" signs, but when questioned about the consequences of leaving, they agree that we can't leave. Half-assium surrenderus, as I've dubbed this political animal, is a George W. Bush impersonator in a Cindy Sheehan wig. They don't want Iraq to become another Afghanistan, or worse yet, the V-word (Vietnam), but they're more than willing to scream "Get Out Now!" Spineless and confused.

The Amnesty-Loving Law Hound (enforcius mccainium):

When people break laws, they need to be punished, unless that person is named Juan and happens to mow your grass. That's the mentality of the amnesty-loving law hound. They believe that criminals should be punished, but not rehabilitated, but that criminal aliens deserve a free ride to citizenship. Named after the Senator who personifies the breed, enforcius mccainium is a crime-bashing criminal-lover, and a hypocrite. They're also, a moderate.

The Felony-Appeasing Abortionist (criminolovium infanticidius):

They are perhaps the most morally confused of this group of political animals. Criminolovium infanticidius believes that we shouldn't kill the guilty, but we should slaughter the pure and innocent. The absolute inanity behind being pro-choice and against capital punishment is so mind-rattling that even Freud couldn't make a good argument defending it. The felony-appeasing abortionist claims that it's the birth that makes a human being. Looking at some of the folks that are on death row, I have to question which is more human, the fetus or the slimeball thieves and rapists. Alternate names for this breed include the pro-murder humanitarian, the infant-slaughtering life-lover, and the death row vacuum lover. A final name? Moderate.

Any of the three above breeds could blend right into one of the moderate wings of the two political parties. McCain and Graham are on the right, and there are countless felony-appeasing abortionists on the left. Can we at least be consistent in principle here? If you support killing things, support killing the guilty, and if you support law enforcement, make that include border enforcement. Grow a pair.